The best time for your parents to make great choices about their later years is when they are as able-bodied and able-minded as they are today. In other words, decisions won’t get easier or any clearer as our elders continue to decline. Here is a step-by-step plan for talking with your parents about assisted living and other options for care now, while time is of the essence.
1. Set a time.
Hard conversations are the easiest to put off. To prevent delay, schedule a set time with your parents. If they are both quite able-bodied and able-minded, you might schedule this meeting for once annually. If one or both are declining, you might suggest once monthly or even weekly. Make clear that you want to ensure their wishes and needs are met on their terms, and that’s why you want to meet now.
2. Start where they are.
Many older adults are more prepared for the event of their death than they are for the final years of aging. Your elders may have a trust, medical and/or financial powers of attorney (POA), do not resuscitate forms (DNR), portable medical order forms (POLST), will or deed in place already. At a minimum, your parents may have put aside a list of accounts, assets, logins or bills that they intend you to access in the event of their death. Any one of these resources is a great place for you to start the conversation. In your first scheduled meeting, review any end-of-life planning they may have prepared. As you review these documents together, ask your parents if there are any updates needed.
3. Open the conversation to the more likely possibility.
In the first or second meeting, gently suggest to your elder that sudden death is far less likely than a few years of care needed in the late older years. Ask if they would be open to answering a few questions about different scenarios to help you prepare to care for them the way they want. It can be an uncomfortable conversation for both of you, so slow going is okay. Here are a few questions to help frame your conversation:
- Can I confirm whether you carry long-term care insurance?
- Would you say there have been any changes to your cognitive or physical health since our last meeting?
- If you need assisted living, do you have a preferred provider?
- If you need memory care, would you prefer care at home? Or would you be open to exploring memory care outside of home? Do you have a preferred provider?
- If you need nursing care, would you prefer care at home? Or would you be open to exploring nursing care outside of home? Do you have a preferred provider?
- If you need hospice care, would you prefer care at home? Or would you be open to exploring hospice care outside of home? Do you have a preferred provider?
- If one of you passes away before the other, would you prefer to stay home alone, or would you consider assisted living?
- Do you have a preference of adult day care vs. in-home care?
- And finally, do you have a preferred burial place?
4. Keep lines of communication open.
If your parent is not ready to answer some of these questions, ask if he or she would at least be willing to start thinking about them. Rekindle the conversation at your next scheduled meeting.
You don’t have to go it alone. Your family estate attorney, a senior caregiving expert or even a Long-Term Care Ombudsman can support you in having these ongoing conversations with your parents. The most important thing is to start.