When family members reach a certain age, discussions about long-term care become more frequent and necessary. However, sometimes these conversations don’t go as smoothly as planned, especially when the care wishes of your elder loved ones don’t align with your expectations or concerns.
What should you do when their choices clash with your ideas for their care? Here is a quick set of guidelines to ease the tension and warm up the conversation:
Respect their autonomy.
Of course, your elders have every right to make decisions about their own lives. Even if you disagree with their choices, their autonomy must be respected. Often, they may want to stay in their homes longer than you believe is healthy, or they may refuse outside help because they fear losing independence. This is where active listening becomes very important: acknowledge their concerns and encourage them to feel empowered and valued in their decisions.
Open the door to compromise.
If their wishes seem impractical or unsafe to you, aim for middle ground. This might look like introducing part-time caregivers at home rather than full-time care outside of the home. Or it may mean exploring senior living communities that emphasize independence while also offering a safety net for future health concerns across the continuum of care. Work together to consider a range of options that balance their desires with your peace of mind.
Involve a neutral third party.
When emotions run high, consider involving a neutral third party, such as a geriatric care manager, social worker or mediator to help facilitate the conversation. These professionals are trained to handle difficult discussions. They can provide a fresh perspective on the situation, offering solutions of which you and your loved one might not even be aware. You might also check out resources from the California Department of Aging. Here are just a few services they provide:
- Get home-delivered meals
- Find a nutrition or exercise class
- Apply for Medi-Cal
- Get help with Medicare
- Determine the best housing option for me
- Get help with my landlord
- Get legal assistance
- Get help dealing with memory problems
- Learn more about hearing, vision and speech-assistive technology
- Get transportation to appointments
- Learn more about safe senior driving
Revisit the conversation.
Care decisions are not static. What might feel right to your elder today could change in a few months or years as their needs evolve. It’s essential to continue the conversation regularly to ensure everyone feels heard and the care plan adapts to changing needs and circumstances.
Aligning care decisions with your loved one’s wishes may not be straightforward, but through patience, communication and compromise, a solution can be found.
“Even though I live independently at Inland Christian Home, I’ve had many needs and the assisted living staff are always available to me. For that I am grateful.”