A Heartfelt Conversation About Your Elders’ Care Wishes
One of the most meaningful conversations you can have with your aging loved ones is about their future care. While many older adults focus on after-death arrangements, fewer have thoroughly considered the various care decisions they might face in their later years. Knowing, documenting and respecting their preferences ensures everyone can face the future with greater confidence.
Here is the second part of our two-installment guide on facilitating an annual family meeting to align your elders’ wishes for care later in life:
Talk through different senior care scenarios.
This is one of the most important parts of the meeting, and perhaps the most difficult. While many older adults focus on after-death wishes, very few have considered the hard choices they may face in the latter years of aging. This is your chance to understand their wishes and preferences for care, from independent living in a community for older adults to assisted living, memory care, skilled nursing care and even hospice. Knowing where they feel most comfortable and with providers they trust can give you all peace of mind. Here are sample notes from a family discussion like this one:
- Memory Care Needs: If memory care is ever needed, where would they prefer to be?
- Preference: Inland Christian Home, where they know and trust the care provided.
- Assisted Living Needs: If assisted living becomes necessary, would they prefer to stay at home or move to a facility?
- Preference: Inland Christian Home for both, but if one were to pass before the other, they may want to live with family.
- Nursing Care Needs: Should nursing care be required, what would feel most comfortable?
- Preference: Inland Christian Home offers skilled nursing care, but they could also arrange private care at home. No real preference at this time, check back next year.
- Hospice Care Needs: If hospice care is needed, where would they prefer to receive it?
- Preference: Unknown right now, they will do more research before our meeting next year.
- End-of-Life Wishes: Where would they prefer services and burial to take place?
- Preferred provider: They still wish to be at Sunset View, their long-standing choice.
- Adult Day Care vs. In-Home Care: Some families consider adult day care for support. Would that be an option, or do they prefer care at home?
- Preference: A firm no to adult day care; home care is their choice. Continue to remind them this can be a good foray into assisted living should they ever need it, and they can try it without a big commitment.
- Burial Preferences: Take time to review their burial preferences, so that when the time comes, everything is just as they’ve imagined.
- Preferred burial place: They remain committed to being with Mom’s family in Dane, Wisconsin.
Capture their beautiful spirits on record.
While your loved ones are still healthy and well, it might be a beautiful gesture to create an audio or video record of their oral history. Here are a few fun questions to ask to get the conversation started:
- What is your earliest childhood memory?
- Describe the personalities of your family members.
- What games, school activities or sports did you participate in as a child?
- When and how did you meet your spouse?
- What did you do on dates?
- What was it like when you proposed (or were proposed to)?
- Tell me about your wedding day.
- How would you describe your spouse?
- What do (did) you admire most about your spouse?
- What do you believe is the key to a successful marriage?
- Tell me about your career.
- Tell me about your children.
- What did your family enjoy doing together when the kids were growing up?
- Tell me about your grandchildren.
- What do you enjoy most about your grandchildren?
- Tell me about your family today.
- What is the one thing you most want people to remember about you?
By working together, you can make the journey ahead a little easier, knowing you are honoring their beautiful lives and their preferences every step of the way.
“[Even as someone who lives in Independent Living at Inland Christian Home], when I needed help, they took care of my arm with stitches. They also [made sure I had my] covid shots.”